All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal – the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now… The Wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my boy with a video and headed to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom.
It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I’m not the girly-est of girls but I’m mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You’d think.
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It’s two strips facing each other, stuck together. I’m supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I’m guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer! And heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)
I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling in the world, but it wasn’t bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!
With my next wax strip, I move north. After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.)
I inhale deeply. I brace myself.
RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I’m blind! Blind from the pain!… Vision returning. Oh crap. I’ve managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And… RRRIIIPP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums? OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy – my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist. But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?
Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see hair – the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout “nooooooo!!” And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of “The Tar Baby.”
I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake – up until this point, you’ll remember, I’ve had my foot on the toilet. I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass? Sealed shut.
A little voice in my head says, “I hope you don’t have to shit anytime soon. Your head just might pop off.” I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand and get in – the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it a way, right? Wrong!
I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit. Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So now I’m stuck to the tub.
I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It’s never good to start a conversation with “So my ass and vagina are stuck to the tub.”
She doesn’t have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass. “Are we talking cheek or hole, here?” she asks. She isn’t even trying to hide the giggles now. I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. “You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut, we’d just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You’re going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth.
While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!
In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming, “It’s working! It’s working!” I get hearty congratulations from C and we hang up.
I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a moustache might start to come in.
Tonight, I attempt hair dying.
*No, please rest assure that this is NOT, I repeat, NOT me. I wouldn’t be able to survive it ~ really. However, it must be my GREATEST (& favourite) CnP effort EVER! 
Cracks me up each time I read it although I pity this woman. ROTFLOL!! I dont EVER wanna be in her place which is the reason why I’ve sworn off waxing or any other hair removal methods except shaving. 
After all I got me own horror stories. Another time maybe…. O, thanks Amara!!
Thursday, 2. February 2006
u got me hooked on reading the entire post! only to find out it wasn’t u! yvy! u should’ve just said it was yourself! so damn funny this one! so do u shave or wax? huh?
Thursday, 2. February 2006
Sorry, I couldn’t help but laughed. I never tried waxing down south coz it hurts. Instead, I’ve shaved and well…used hair removal creams (very carefully) on the area around. These days, I just trim? :p
Thursday, 2. February 2006
Hahahaha, funny post. But I instantly knew it wasn’t you coz you don’t even have a son! LOL!
Heey, you used the dropdown thingy on your other link too, nice.
Thursday, 2. February 2006
SG : HAHA!! Yea, that was a dad giveaway innit? O well….s’ok. It’s funny all the same. Yup…wont add anymore until totally necessary though.
Mei : Yup….me too. Better m a LOT safer too!! Lol
Wuching : Hehhe!!! At least SOMEONE fell for it.
Me? Kenot tell u lar…shy mah!!!! LOL 
Thursday, 2. February 2006
“…the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass? Sealed shut”…sounded like a XXX story that me and some guys saw years ago…hahaha
Thursday, 2. February 2006
aiya.. just use the good old razor and cream method lah…
i tried tweezering once. hurts like hell and the puss looked like a plucked chicken for a day. but the benefits were heavenly… stubble-free for almost a week… *w00t!*
Thursday, 2. February 2006
This is a good script for plink’s Total Domination of the Wax..
Thursday, 2. February 2006
You don’t have a son.
You were freaking me out! Now be quiet and let me finish the rest of the post.
Thursday, 2. February 2006
Aiyooo…. not you meh?? *LOL* The entire time I was laughing my head off, then I was surprised to learn that it wasn’t you! Btw, what is CnP?
Thursday, 2. February 2006
I first read the word panties and I went
then I read the word “son” and I knew it wasn’t you
plus i could tell…this is not your writing style
Thursday, 2. February 2006
LB: … or maybe even House of Yvy….
*pengsan*
Thursday, 2. February 2006
my dearrr yvyy…
kenapa guna hair dryer untuk ‘cold’ wax??? mestilah sakit punya……
hahahahaaha
you crack me uppppppp!!!!!!!
at least you removed 99% of what you intended to remove… in my case, i am as hairy as a jungle that no super-wax can sort it…
please advise….
sigh!
Thursday, 2. February 2006
damn,,, and this post is not even about you.
cheh……
Thursday, 2. February 2006
Lyn : Haha!! I thought you would have known after a while. Lol
Plink : Eh, eh….dun change story pulak!
Pras : Aiyoyo….make ppl confused lar u. Yvy but actually Pras. Anyway, talk abt my panties only, u so hawt meh?
LOL Of courselar u will know – u know me well enough edi mar. OOOOooooo, not my style – I write not as nice izzit? 
Luxferi : Haha!! You oso kena kick in the backside? Apalar….CnP = copy n paste lor.
Kracker : Yes, dear.
LB : U think?
Hedo : Pls lar….it’s not me, plus I’m not THAT desperate nor hairy lar. Lol….
BJ : Why am I not surprised?
Thursday, 2. February 2006
hates wax there……better laser! muahahaha! ;-P
u are funny Yvy….
Hugs!!
Thursday, 2. February 2006
OMG That was funny but at the same time I could feel the pain myself. LOL in the beginning I was like: Hey I didn’t know she had a son, but ok it wasn’t you. And I guess you can be glad about that
“You’re going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth.” – really? =P
I know that waxing the bikini line is the most effective but I would never, I repeat: never, do it myself. If I found the strength to wax it I would go to a professional beauty salon.
Thursday, 2. February 2006
*Considering a new profession*
Thursday, 2. February 2006
Dunno… I prefer Veet for underarms and don’t give a damn about the rest. (Which, considering my age, is appropriate. Ain’t life weird?)
Thursday, 2. February 2006
Is this what’s called a close shave?
Friday, 3. February 2006
This post is truly side splitting! geez…I never knew they go thru’ so much trouble.
Why not just dabble remover cream all over there and remove everything? Keep a few strands for sentimental value ah?
Friday, 3. February 2006
this is one ur funniest entries!! haha… was laughin sooo much!!! haha… ROFL!!!
Friday, 3. February 2006
I was laughing so hard the little old lady next door came to see if I was alright. Of course she scared me and I to kill her again. But never mind that.
I was a bit distressed about the son thing. I tot I wuz an Uncle and not knowing lor. Ah Mui holding back vital informations.
But now I know better.
Friday, 3. February 2006
fuiyoh…that’s some good CnP stuff lah! for a moment there, i didn’t think you would share such a personal moment…or would ya?
i’m still laughing as I type this comment…hahahahahaha
Friday, 3. February 2006
Consuela : O yea, it is! Well, I dont know if I would share such a moment. Will have to wait for it to happen first PLUS I cant write as good as this woman. Wont b as ‘nice’.
Khor : Aaawwwww…you think I wont plaster my son’s pictures all over my blog if I had one?
Well, glad to know that you know better now and poor old lady – got killed again. She some kinda feline or sumthing? 
Cocka : Well, the things some women do for beauty is u=quite illogical n really not worth going into details for. LOL
Plink : I guess you could say that. So cleber!!
Tibbar : Oooo nnoooooooooo….dont EVER mention Veet to me again!!! *runs away screaming & shrieking like a banshee*
LB : Sure or not?
Sanne : HAhaha!! I know what you mean coz that’s exactly how I felt too….cracked my sides but I felt her pain too.
Cara : Haha! Thanks….but you’re right. I would laser it all off IF I had the $$. Beauty dont come cheap gurl…
Saturday, 4. February 2006
Aiyah…. not you! Anyway, the best thing is just shave! Fast, economical and painless. lol
Saturday, 4. February 2006
Oh… forgot to tell you it’s good to see green for a change… lol Nice and simple….. changing blog template everyweek ar? lol