Little Cozy Corner

Picture taken from Erlend Mork’s gallery, Do you trust yourself with your dreams?

I was jolted out of my dreamless slumber by what I thought sounded like a rubber band being snapped on paper beside my ear. I looked around my room with groggy eyes only to note that it was still dark outside. The digital alarm clock beside my bedside lamp was blinking 2am, diligently. I groaned in frustration and covered my head with my pillow, praying that proper sleep would soon follow. Before I could even finish saying supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, I gently fell into slumber but only this time, it wasn’t dreamless. Or so I thought.

Sounds of giggles and laughter were clearly ringing my ears. It was all so sudden when I realized that I was running….running in the playground back in my hometown. I remembered it clearly coz right smack in the middle of the field was this blue, metal pyramid-like climbing tower, with many kids surrounding it. Some were climbing up precariously and the less brave stood below looking up with mouths wide opened, in awesome wonder and amazement.

I found myself running but I didn’t why I was running, who I was running from nor where I was running to when suddenly a familiar voice rang out to me, calling me, urging me to run faster, “I’m coming to get you! Faster run…faster run!” the voice called out to me. But instead of being afraid at such a ‘threat’, the voice wasn’t at all frightening. In fact, I found a sudden familiarity in it, a sense of security and at the same time, excitement and the need to keep running as fast as I could. So typical of a child!

I managed to turn my head back to see who it was I kept trying to run away from and I saw him. The face I so longed to see after all these years, the voice that I had missed for more than a decade…it was him. I turned around and saw my Daddy’s laughing face. The kind and handsome face that I would hold close and the rough cheeks that I used to kiss good night everyday before bed. I stood rooted to the ground. I was too shocked to see him in front of me, in the ‘flesh’.

I knew I was standing still but within a splitsecond, it was as if I was watching my childhood being replayed right before my very eyes. It was as if I was on the outside, looking into my memories. I reached out to grab hold of him before he could leave me again but all I got in return was an empty clasp. I tried and tried, again and again, never once wanting to give up trying but alas, it was impossible.

All I could do was just stand there, helplessly watching my Daddy play catch with ‘me’, many years ago. I wanted to cry out to him, to get his attention but not a sound came from my throat. I clutch it, tried my best to clear my throat so that I could call out to him, to once again call out ‘Daddy!’ but nothing. I was exasperated because I couldn’t do anything at all but just stand there, looking like a fool and feeling even worst!

All of a sudden, I felt my body being sucked into a black hole. I couldn’t stand my ground. I was being torn away from the memories I held so dear. I frantically reached out to grab hold of anything that seemed strong enough for me to hang on to but nothing was in sight. I grew more and more desperate and I began to scream for help. I saw my Daddy begin to slowly fade way. I cried out, “NOooooooo!! Don’t leave me Daddy….not again!! Please don’t leave me. I miss you! Come back….come back!!! Noooo….” And for just an instance, I thought I saw him turn around and look at me. His eyes were sad with tears welling in those big old, kind, brown eyes of his. They held emotions I never saw before. No, I didn’t think it up. I know he saw me and I know that he never wanted to leave us but what could he do. God had other plans for him, He has other plans for us.

Suddenly, it was just darkness.

I woke up with such a start. I sat up in bed with cold sweat was pouring out from every pore of my body. I was shaking; I found it hard to breathe. My eyes were swollen with traces of tears still wet on my pillow. My throat parched with thirst, a sure sign that I must have been screaming out loud. The dream was still very much clear and vivid in my mind. It kept repeating constantly in my mind like a broken record player even though I tried to not think about it.

I managed to calm myself down and sunk my heavy head into my tear-soaked pillow. It felt wet and uncomfortable. I tossed and turn, trying to get into a more comfortable position. I ended all curled up, in a fetal position. Surprisingly, I found comfort in that, I don’t know why. The images kept flashing constantly in my mind but the only image that stood out was the one where he turned to look at me. I found it disturbing. Lurid.

I couldn’t get rid of it no matter how hard I tried. It was already 6am with signs of the red sky appearing just beyond the horizon when I finally found myself falling into troubled sleep.

Why such a dream after so long? Did it mean anything? I guess I’ll never know.

Note to self : Never watch Supernatural or Hex before going to bed. That’s just asking for trouble.

Yvy @ 2/6/2006
[The piece written above is partly fiction, partly true. Inspired by Kyel's superb writing on Unacceptable Love.]